“sigh” “sigh” “sigh”
most times when i sit down to have a deep conversation with my inner mind, this makes me realize this is not a happy love story/life.
what is it about this first love of a thing? do first love always come to steal away everything and leave you with nothing? why do they always look for the tiniest spot to still remain in one’s life?
it’s been like 6years since we said our goodbyes. unfortunately it wasn’t a pleasant goodbye but somehow i accepted the whole thing as my destiny. He is with another woman and he is so happy but i on the other hand has been struggling with my love life.
there is no single day that passes by without me thinking about him. I pray for him more than i pray for myself. though am happy for him, for the life he is living now. There is no trace of jealousy, just still surprised how things didn’t work out with us.
He gave me my first kiss, and yes it was really terrible because i was shy and young and knew nothing about been intimate with a man. i can’t forget the night we met, i didnt see his face properly but there was something about him when his hand brushed my shoulder mistakenly, i just smiled and he did too. i still remember the feel of my own blood, rushing to my cheeks as blush when he asked me to be his girlfriend. My yes was louder than that of a woman who was been proposed to.
whenever mum ask for my help to get something outside the street, i always rushed down to get it so i could see his face and ask him to go with me “smiling” somehow people started noticing us together and he was showing me off to everyone that am his woman.
At the age of seventeen, i didnt know much but he thought me so many things. All thanks to MTN free midnight call then. i was always happy once it was 12:30am so i could talk to him. At exactly 12:00am his message would come in that i shouldn’t sleep because he was eager to talk to me. Despite talking everyday, he was never bored of me.
Every night we always talk about new things like: marriage, kids, kids name, vacation, business and so many things about our future. Any night i miss out on him due to tiredness, he always feels sad but he was very understanding. He is the most handsome man have ever seen, nobody is worthy to me except him “permit me to use is, because he is still handsome no matter what”. Everything he does makes me fall in love with him everyday.
Impossible odds that wasn’t easy for us to be together but our love was divine. He consumed my every thought, he was my insanity and yet my cure, he had the medicine to my love madness. I was dying of love, so i thought he was too.
warnings from people that cares saying ‘he was too good to be true’ we never had any quarrel, just lovers bickering. The one person he was very closed to ‘his aunt’ he introduced me to her. yet some of these impossible odds, wouldn’t give us the chance to love ourselves fully.
one night in our hideout, he told me he would be leaving the country #1 impossible odd# I looked for tears but my heart was shattered but on my bed while i was crying, i still found the courage to pray for him and wished him all the best. promises were made that night, despite some weren’t fulfilled while others were broken but the promise of LOVE was never tampered with. We were from different religion backgrounds #2 impossible odd#
I pretended to be strong and also tried to fake little smiles, so he wouldn’t see me break down. i lied to him with my words but my eyes were stating the obvious. The kisses of goodbye a night before the final goodbye, was so hot and calming with hurt at the same time. The fateful night, i couldn’t stand saying goodbye and watched him leave.
At that point i knew he was no longer mine even when my heart was filled with wounds and pains. My torture started that night and till now i still feel the partially healed wounds.
After some weeks he called and i was very happy. for almost two months it was as if things were back to normal but something in me knew i was threading on the path that would destroy me beyond repairs.
I found joy in talking to him, i do most of the calling and i found joy in stealing mum’s money as long as it will give me the opportunity to talk to the only man i wanna spend everything with. After two months ‘the honeymoon was over’ flesh came in knocking, temptation sets in but i think in reality i knew what i was getting into from the beginning.
There came the perfect woman, very matured, beautiful, and with alot of experience. He quickly understood the law of reality and moved on but i was still finding hope in a sinking ship and was pretending to be okay. He gave me the ultimatum and gave me the signs with his attitude that we lost everything to the heavy strong waves of love battle but yet i didn’t give up, not until Mrs perfect made it clear that i was no match for him. ’till date he didn’t know i was threatened by Mrs perfect’
Mrs perfect had his body, his strength, his stamina, his emptiness but couldn’t have his heart because he was hurt but, yes he moved on and never looked back.
for months i was shattered, my heart was ripping out of my chest, i was pale and weak, i couldn’t breathe. i was choking inside, burning and had no single strength to fight and be strong. love later was turned to strong heart, no emotions, no passion, no drive which led to my regular visits to the hospital, i was depressed and anxiety sets it
After few years, he found a way to crawl back and promised marriage and his coming back to make me his. I was really weak again, my walls of strength were broken. I don’t how he does that but there is a switch only him knows how to control and this scares me alot. This time around, his promises didn’t stay long and another queen was choosen to rule the empire with him.
So i got the clear picture of the whole thing. I was placed somewhere as a go to alternative, just in case Mrs perfect fades away.
I am someone who doesnt want a wedding but marriage, who doesn’t want a house but home ‘Now i know why’
it’s been six years or more, am not going to deny the fact that a part of me still beats for you but have really accepted the fate of moving on.
you will always be my first love, even now that am battling with the winds of love and can’t find a shore to land my boat, i will keep paddling till the wave is calm and finds me a good shore.
Goodbye once again.